It all happens for a reason, right?

2 05 2010

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I’ve been contemplating going to see the psychic, Lan Vo, again.  I don’t know why, since she was less than half right about things the last time I saw her.  I want clarity about my life and what is going on right now.  I don’t necessarily think that she will tell me everything that I want to know, or even be 100% correct about it, but there’s something about someone not knowing you at all and telling you things about your life that make you believe it’s all real.

More than a month ago, I decided that I was committed to moving to Portland by August.  While I am doing the necessary things to get myself there (refinancing my mortgage and searching for jobs), I found myself delaying this plan for another four more months.  Not to say that it is not a good delay, as I have been offered to teach a few Sociology classes next semester at Hawaii Pacific University — something that I thought I would never have the opportunity to do again (teach at the university level).  I know this will be a good opportunity for me, and something flashy to add to my resume after the experience is over… but I can’t help but wonder if this delay will actually bring up other new opportunities that will make me stay.

My real job will probably end in December when the public decides that the Governor should appoint the Board of Education.  I can’t say that I am surprised, though.  They, as a Board, single handedly ruined themselves and are taking us down in the process.  I never intended to stay until December, so that is partially why I didn’t care.  However, now that I am, I’m a bit concerned.

Although in my previous blog, I wrote about not wanting to be in the industry anymore, I was asked last night if I was interested in bartending at Blue Ocean Thai (a restaurant with an upstairs lounge/bar) on Friday and Saturday nights.  I’m skeptical about my bartending skills, as I haven’t practiced all that much recently.  But still, the thought of me actually contemplating working another job, especially another bar job, makes me think that the money is really getting to me.  But then again, who doesn’t want more money?  In any case, I’m still not sure.  I’ll talk about this with Jon more on Tuesday.  One night wouldn’t hurt, would it?

Then, last night, being at Galaxy MMA and watching my fellow teammate and wrestling coach, Ola, fight, I felt something that I haven’t in a long time — a sense of school pride.  I still feel very much connected to my teammates, and now that we started wrestling class again, I have much more of a sense of pride than I have in a long time.  Last night, Ola called me his “prodigy.”  Although I am far from being anyone’s prodigy, I am proud.  I am proud to call those guys my teammates and I am proud to be able to train with them, on a decent level that the other girls aren’t at.  I’ll admit that I’d be very sad to leave that, whereas just a couple months ago, I could have cared less.

Being home for two weekends didn’t help, either.  Kauai is a beautiful place that I have not explored enough as a child.  And although I always joke about not having kids, I feel very blessed to have 3 hanai nephews and nieces who love their Aunty Lea.  It would be sad to be so far away from HOME and from the people who I can just be myself around.  But, they know, and I know, that distance doesn’t change things.

I know that I need to go, and that eventually I will.  Now, it’s just a matter of getting there.  But everything happens for a reason, right?  And sometimes even when you don’t want those things to happen, you learn from them and realize that event had a significant impact on things to come later.  Or at least that is what my hope is.

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